I need to Dance again,
And I don;t mean that “go to a dance class and learn someone else’s movement” kind of dance,
I mean that “lock myself away in a studio for countless hours,
Expressing what’s inside with words of movement,
Covering every inch of the space with my electricity,
Explaining ‘Love’ through my moves,
And giving the walls something REAL to talk about” kind of dance,
I need to Dance again
I need to go to a place where passion and desperation collide to make art,
Where silence has a sound and it’s deafening to the ears,
And where judgment is extinct.
I need to Dance.
I need to find out how I REALLY feel.
I need to fight through the confusion, the doubt, the fear, the angst, the ANGER…
I need to let the fire burn proud and relentlessly,
consuming my entire existence… for once.
I want to sweat out all of my problems and fog the mirrors with the heat of my body.
I want to get high off of the endorphins my movements create.
I want to wade in the waters of my sorrow and pain,
Cannon ball off the diving board into the depths of my despair,
Truly understanding the rock bottom of depression.
Then let the light flurry of air bubbles tickle me back up to the surface, into a back stroke through the high of joy.
I need to Dance again.
Oh, God I want to say the words that I always leave unsaid,
And I want to say them with such conviction that I strike the hearts of all who have broken mine.
I want them to hear my weeping soul scream with a crackling voice from the center of their existence,
So they could, for the length of my dance, feel how i felt.
But I don’t want to dance for them because it’s for no one else but myself,
So I don’t want to dance for money,
I don’t want to try to remember choreography,
I don’t want to sense my pelvis,
And I sure as hell don’t want to even think about a turn out when I move..
Dance is for me, and when I’m moving in that place, that’s who I’ll be dancing for.
Shit… I just need to Dance again.
***I wrote this during the summer of 2011, right after completing my freshman year at ASU as a dance major, and I felt like a junky going through withdrawals. I was used to dancing everyday and for an average of about 4 hours a day, and the time I was spending as a Community/Residential Assistant for one of the summer programs ASU had to offer was not cutting it for me. I posted this now because I am finding myself having similar withdrawals. Except, I am dancing a lot and performing so much (which is a blessing), but I am not really expressing myself reaching a mental/emotional/spiritual release that initially brought me to dance when I first did a chasse across the floor. Hopefully, after finals I can escape to a studio and just Live again.